if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
