apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
