I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
