you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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