in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
