the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
