I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
