I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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