Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
