Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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