i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
