Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
