my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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