So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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