If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
