Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
