Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
