I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Say something about gay babies.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Randomize
