well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Are we still banned from the library?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
