Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
