Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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