Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
