a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
