I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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