My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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