i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
