I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
