The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
