There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
