every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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