Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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