Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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