did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
