A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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