went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
