nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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