It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
