i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
