i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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