They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
