Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
