: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
