if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
