she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
