What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
