i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
