I heard we made out
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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