FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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