Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
