Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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