im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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