I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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