He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
